Things The Shakespeare Characters Would Never Say
by IceSnowAndGlamour
Summary: Title speaks for itself. Expect singing, irony, modern-day things,non-canon pairings, and general silliness. T for language and risque humor later on . Crackfic.
1. Romeo and Juliet

**Romeo and Juliet**

**I do not own the True Love Waits abstinence pledge, Shakespeare's works, or West Side Story.**

ROMEO AND JULIET: Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, those I date, and my future mate to be sexually pure until the day I enter marriage.

…

ROSALINE(TO JULIET): You stole my boyfriend! How could you!

…

JULIET: To be, or not to be: That is the question.

…

ROMEO(Looking directly at Juliet): You know who is SUCH a good looking woman?

JULIET: Yes, dearest Romeo?

ROMEO: Pamela Anderson, dude!

…

PARIS: That's hot!

…

JULIET: Romeo, I must tell you something. To me, you are…the best friend a girl could ever have.

…

VARIOUS CAPULET GIRLS: Lalalalalalalala!

JULIET: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay, and I pity any girl who isn't me today!

VARIOUS CAPULET GIRLS: Lalalalalalalala!

…

MERCUTIO: That's IT! I can't take any more tragedy. I'm going to go be in A Midsummer's Night Dream now!

…

JULIET: Oh Nurse, why can't I be with my beloved Romeo?

NURSE(Clearly improvising): Uh…because…ROMEO IS YOUR BROTHER!

JULIET: (gasps)

…

ROMEO: Okay, Juliet, if we can't get our families to like each other then let's escape and go get married in Vegas!

JULIET: Great idea!

...

NURSE: Juliet, why can't you be more like ROSALINE? Rosaline is such a nice girl.

…

CAPULETS AND MONTAGUES: Hey, here's an idea! Let's get together and have a community block party.

**Um…that was a beginning. Each chapter will be a different play. I realize that most of this is not canon/OOC but that's why it's fun to write. Okay! I'm off and thanls for reading!**


	2. Macbeth

**MACBETH**

**I don't own Shakespeare's works, anything the Dixie Chicks ever wrote, or the "…in bed" joke.**

MACBETH: I actually don't see the point in being king of Scotland when England is just going to do whatever they want with us anyway.

…

PEOPLE OF SCOTLAND: Hail, King Lennox!

…

MACBETH: I can honestly say that my wife has never said anything to me that made me feel just horrible about myself.

…

LADY MACBETH: Dearest husband, I must ask…why are you wearing my old prom dress?

…

MALCOLM: I am a playa! I love the ladies and they love me!

…

MACBETH: "You imperfect speakers, tell me more!"

FIRST WITCH: Okay: You'll never be king and ya know what, you would be absolutely terrible at it! Now go away so we can make Banquo king!

…

THIRD WITCH: "All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be King hereafter!

BANQUO: …In bed.

MACBETH: (Horrified look at Banquo)

…

LADY MACDUFF (Incredulously): _Husband, are you making out with King Macbeth in our backyard?_

MACDUFF: Uh…that is only what it looks like…

…

LADY MACBETH: Oh, dearest husband, guess what? I'm pregnant! Isn't it wonderful? We'll be the best parents ever! I am so happy to be married to you instead of Ross or Macduff or someone, I love you!

…

MACBETH AND MACDUFF (Singing in unison): I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down! I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round! It's too late to make it right, I probably wouldn't if I could, 'Cause I'm mad as hell , Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should!

…

MACBETH (To Lady Macbeth): You are so beautiful: Your hair is red like Duncan's blood from the two daggers. Your lips are a nice pink color- the color of a rose with a name I don't know because I don't design paint colors. You are the strongest woman in politics, even more than Hillary or Condolezza. Oh, and your love is like substance addiction- I can't get enough.

LADY MACBETH: (Sighs)

**Alright…thanks for reading! Trying to think which one to do next…**


	3. A Midsummer Night's Dream

**A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM**

**I do not own Shakespeare's works or Myspace.**

…

PUCK(Monotonous voice): Associates, I have an announcement to make. I realize that my current work is not fitting to me. I am going to work in an office building in Athens' financial district, where my skills will be put to better use. So long, friends.

…

PUCK: Oberon! Will you just stop making me do stuff for you already! Can't you do your magical errands yourself! Dang it you are so annoying!

…

HERMIA: Father, may I marry Lysander?

EGEUS: Like if you want…like shouldn't you be asking him and not me?

…

HERMIA: Hey girl! GREEAAAT idea! Let's swear off dating and have a summer of ROMANCE-FREE FUN!

HELENA: Yeah! OMG what a great idea! Friends are forever and boys are whatever!

…

BOTTOM: Acting is not exciting at all, it is much more artistically fulfilling to be a playwright.

…

DEMETRIUS: Man, what a weird dream. But not as weird as the dream the other night where Martha Stewart was teaching me how to use Myspace and then she turned into a dragon and ate me…

…

TITANIA: Magic…is the work of SATAN! Puck, oh please put down that magic flower before it's TOO LATE FOR YOUR SOUL!

…

TITANIA: Maybe we should just try marriage counseling…

OBERON: Maybe that isn't such a bad idea…

…

LYSANDER(wakes up): Oh, hello Oberon!

PUCK: Oh crap…

…

HELENA: I can't get over that Juliet…she can't get off that high horse of hers because she thinks her romantic life is soooo much more tragic than mine…I'll show her tragic…

**Okay, I tried a comedy. Thanks everyone for your kind reviews and reads! Everyone was such a Valley Girl in this chapter, I just noticed…**


	4. Twelfth Night

**TWELFTH NIGHT**

**No guys, I still don't own Shakespeare's works,or any of the nonfictional people mentioned here. **

Viola: Okay, Lady Olivia…I must admit something. I am not who I have been saying I am…

Olivia: OH MY GOD! I KNEW YOU WERE KIM JONG-IL ALL ALONG! MARIA, CALL THE COPS RIGHT NOW!

…

Toby: Andrew? Maria? Are you two _consuming large amounts of alcoholic beverages?_ Do you know how bad that is for you? Really, I think you should know better! I thought I was setting a positive example for you! Hmph!

…

Andrew: Oh look over there! It's Malvolio, that righteous awesome dude!

Toby: What a rad guy!

Maria: He's smokin' hot!

…

Sebastian: Is it just me, Viola, or do you feel like this is the plot of a really bizarre Olsen Twins movie…

…

Malvolio: All right everyone, I think I will listen to your advice and take a chill pill!

…

Orsino: Olivia, do you know any single females around here that I could get a date with, like one of your friends?

…

Olivia: Hey Feste, do you want to go to the festivities tonight and party?

Feste: That sounds exactly like the kind of thing you'd suggest nowadays in your perpetually jovial and fun loving mood! Let's party, girlfriend!

Olivia: All-RIGHT!

…

(_At the end of the play when everything is revealed.)_

Feste: Um…didn't something exactly like this happen on that one telenovela _Pero Quien es mi Novio? _Really, I could have sworn…

…

Sebastian: Whoohoo! Being the star of this play is so much fun!

…

Orsino: I feel so happy today! Isn't it such a lovely day? Oh look, the birds are singing! Fantastic!

**Okay, another comedy. I'll do more tragedy though. It's more funny. "Pero Quien es mi Novio?", as far as internet searches have gotten me, is not a real telenovela. It means "But who is my boyfriend?" as far as my education in school has taught me, unless the school system has lied for all these years. Thanks for reading, everyone!**


	5. King Lear

**I do not own Shakespeare's works, or "I Kissed a Girl."**

Lear: I KISSED A GIRL! AND I LIKED IT!

…

Fool: Hey Lear…I can come to you for advice, right?

Lear: Yes, of course.

Fool: Can we talk, then? I really need some help.

…

Edmund (Beginning of play): Who needs land and power when you can have…pancakes!

…

Albany and Edgar: Hey! We're BOTH king! Hurrah!

…

Fool: Argh! Why is everyone always so HAPPY?! It's a horrible world, you know! Just terrible!

…

Lear (To audience): On this sun-lit August afternoon, I look out of the window of my sunny Florida condo where I retired to, and I recall the priceless memories of Father's Days with my lovely daughters.

…

Cordelia: Girls, I love you both. You are the best sisters I could ever ask for.

Regan: Of course we are, darling!

Goneril: Group hug!

…

Goneril: I'm going to become a nun!

…

Edmund: So…you want to learn how to have a look that is both affordable and fierce…

…

Lear: So why is everyone talking about me like I'm already dead?


End file.
